Excerpt of Awesomeness:
(by extraordinaire)
 

            “It was the weirdest thing that happened to me today.”

            Naruto shot his friend an inquisitive look and asked, “What?”

            “Well, it has to do with Sakura”

            “What doesn’t?”

            “And I, I just watched her sleep.”

            “So you finally screwed her?”

            “No man. She’s not like that. How many times do I have to say that?”

            “Alright, alright, sorry mister I’m-dating-the-freaking-virgin-mary.”

            “Did I not just tell you to shut the fuck up?”

            “Sorry, sorry. Now let’s get back to your lame ass story.”

            “It’s not lame.”

            “So you watched her ass?”

            “What?”

            “Well it wasn’t lame ass, or lame, so ass is the only thing left. I knew you were still the horny teenager that I taught you to be! You thought that getting together with a quiet school girl was going to make me change my mind, but-”

            “What don’t you understand about shut the fuck up?”

            “Sorry, sorry. Just tell.”

            “Why, you don’t care?”

            “No, look, man, I’m sorry. Seriously. You’re just way too fun to tease. I really want to hear about your weird experience. Go on.”

            Sasuke sighed irritably and ran his fingers through his hair. Really, why did he hang out with this kid?

            “Well, we were in my backyard-”

            “Oh, so she’s into kinky sex?”

            “-and we were doing homework-”

            “Sasuke Uchiha doing homework? What is the world coming to?”

            “-and then we finished so we just decided to cuddle-”

            “Cuddle? Cuddle? In all seriousness, you…cuddled? Like, full-out snuggling. Not even after sex. But just for no reason? Heh, it’s pretty funny actually. I can just see you two losers sitting under your cherry blossom tree, her head lying on your chest as you smell her strawberry shampoo-”

            “Shut the fuck up!”

            “What? Is it turning you on?”

            “I’m trying to tell you a story and you keep interrupting.”

            “So it is turning you on?”

            “I’m leaving.”

            “Look, man, I’m sorry. It’s just – it’s not every day that you find out that the Uchiha Sasuke is doing homework and cuddling with the Haruno Sakura.”

            “Could you shut up?”

            “Sorry, sorry. I know. Alright, now, please, if you will, tell me this story. I am really interested.”

            “No your not.”

            “Psh yeah I am! I’ve gotta keep tabs on my best friend and if your tab is watching girls sleep, then I must hear the story that intrigued such an activity.” Sasuke rolled his eyes at his friend’s antics and (probably) lies.

            “Okay, so she fell asleep-”
(Naruto instantly had the urge to scream out ‘so you raped her!?!’ but he – being the kind, caring, and understanding friend he was – decided to just let him continue his tale)

            “-on my arm, so I gently put her on the grass and lay down as well, kind of just looking at her. And I don’t know what it was. It could have been the way her eyelashes sporadically fluttered or the way her lips were kind of red, but just there, letting air out.”

            Naruto really, really had the urge to say something perverted, but from the sincere look on Sasuke’s face, he knew that it wouldn’t be a good idea. Sasuke was actually serious about this girl.

            “It was almost kind of scary.”

            “How?” This question was a serious one. Naruto really wanted to know what made his best friend this way.

            “Well, just to think about the possibilities. She’s right there and is amazing and wonderful and all things like that. She’s right there, next to me. She right there breathing in and out. She could die at any moment. And it feels as if I’ve got to be there to save her. I’m responsible for her.”

            It was true. Sasuke was never one to hold responsibility for anyone or anything, so Naruto knew that this was big. But he didn’t know what to do. It’s not like Naruto ever had to do anything that was of utmost importance.

            “Whoa man. That is pretty scary. I mean, you’ve never been responsible for shit in your life.”

            “Yeah, but that’s the thing. She’s not shit. She’s Sakura.”

            “Dude, are you like, the epitome of apathy or what?”

            “I’m being serious!”

            “Right, right. Sorry. It’s just – seeing you like this. It’s really rare.”

            “It’s alright. And it is pretty weird. Watching Sakura sleep was weird.”

            “Well, did it feel weird?”

            “The concept of it did feel kind of weird. But actually doing it – it felt great. It felt like I had a purpose in the world. Like I wasn’t just here to get wasted and give girls sexual pleasure. I’m here to protect someone.”

            “You’re gonna protect yo’ bitch!” Sasuke shot his friend an unfriendly glare. “Sorry, I couldn’t resist. But yeah, with the protecting thing. It feels good, ne?”

            “Yeah.”

            “Then there’s nothing wrong with it.”

            “There’s everything wrong with it.” Naruto sighed. Why did he hang out with such complicated people?

            “I mean, you guys are obviously not supportive of me having a girlfriend.” He saw Naruto opened his mouth and he knew what was coming out of it, so he continued. “And no Naruto. Those others weren’t girlfriends. They were fuck-buddies.”

            Naruto sighed. There was no arguing that.

            “Plus, everyone thinks it’s weird. And it’s just not my way.”

            “Listen, if you want to go and date a perfect little church girl, then do it. Screw what everyone else thinks. Screw what I think. Did you see my last report card? Because news flash! I’m a retarded. What do I know about anything? Especially girls.”

            It was Sasuke’s turn to sigh. There was definitely no arguing that.

            “And it can be your way. Lots of people change all the time. Like that book we read in English. Antigone or something. That mean king dude that ordered to have her killed for burying her sister or something. In the end, he changed his way ‘cause Jesus came down and told him so. Or maybe it was Buddha. But either way, he knew it was wrong so he changed.”

            Sasuke almost wanted to laugh for two reasons. One that Naruto messed up on the explanation and two because Sasuke actually knew that he messed up. He’d been studying with Sakura for his test coming up yesterday, so he was pretty knowledgeable on the Sophocles-written play.

            “That’s just like you man. You realized that screwing girls was wrong – wait wait wait, please let me correct that. Screwing girls for just pleasure is wrong – wait, that’s still kind of wrong. Wait, why are you changing when you could be screwing girls?”

            “Exactly.”

            “Oh, well I see your problem now. Let me think.”

            Naruto began (attempted) to think as Sasuke stared dumbfounded at the blonde. This guy really must be is friend for Naruto didn’t do such an activity often, so when it occurred, it must mean a lot.

            “I got it! You realized that – for some ungodly and unreasonable reason – just sleeping around and stuff isn’t what life is about. It’s about finding someone who loves you. And man, when you find someone you can love, then you can’t let that get away.”

            Naruto scrunched up his nose and shook his head.

            “Whoa, where did that come from?”

            Sasuke really wanted to answer. Really, he did. He wanted to say that that exact line was in the movie The Wedding Singer and was said by Sammy who was Robbie’s best friend. He really did. But how much of a fag could he look like in one day?

            Damn Sakura and her favorite chick flicks. Sasuke inwardly cursed while trying to kill the movie, but then stopped when he remembered the wonderful make-out session that proceeded after the movie. It was Sakura’s gift for making him watch such a crappy movie.

            “But anyways man, do what that chick-ish song says. Listen to your heart.”

            And for once, (as in ‘seriously, this will only happen once since he’s too much of an idiot to make this happen on a normal basis’) Sasuke took Naruto’s advice.


(no steal-age.
seriously.
i WILL kill you.
without regret.
BEWARE.)